Chapter One of "The Case of the Mysterious Illness"

Case of the Mysterious Illness

I know starting a blog with an illness is certainly not an auspicious way to begin. However, many people have been worried about me and in order to dispel these concerns (although I may inadvertently create new ones on the state of modern medicine in their place), I have decided to post all the goings-on of the past few weeks. Or maybe this blog is just to dispel my own boredom and to hell with everyone else’s concerns. No offense.

It started three weeks ago on Shabbat. It was just a headache that came and went for the next few days. By Tuesday it had turned into a constant pain in my head, the kind that left me clutching my head on my desk and groaning. I even made an emergency visit to the chiropractor for fear that my unnaturally bent neck had finally gotten hold of my brain and was doing its boa constrictor impression (always a favorite at parties) on my brain. My back felt great afterward, but my head… not so much. By Wednesday, it was the kind of pain that led me to flee work early for fear of being found dead in my chair by someone wanting to borrow a stapler. I figured that if I died on the bus, at least the person whose feet I fell on would notice right away and since the route goes right next to Bikur Cholim hospital they could just drop me off on the way. By the time I got home, I had a fever of 100.9 and at least felt justified in leaving work early.

Now, mind you, I’d been taking pain relievers all week long, Ibuprofen, Advil, Aleve, whatever I could get my hands on and nothing was helping. I’d have taken rodent pee mixed with dish detergent and raven feathers plucked during the full moon if someone had told me that it would work, but luckily I don’t know anyone that mean.

By Thursday it was time to visit the doctor. My head felt like it was going to explode and I could barely move for fear of jarring my brain. The doctor did all the regular tests, blood pressure, open your mouth, stare at the ducky while I shine a bright light into your eye, etc. Everything was normal. He had no idea what could be causing a 5 day headache so he told me to come back on Sunday to do some tests and maybe by then I’d be feeling better. He wasn’t even going to give me any kind of pain reliever until I broke down and started crying on his desk. I was like,”it’s been 5 days! It’s not going to get better. It’s only getting worse!” He looked a bit concerned then and asked me if my runny nose was another symptom. I assured him it was just because I was crying, so he relented and gave me a prescription for some pain relievers. He also gave me a referral for a neurologist and for whatever reason a referral for a psychiatrist. So, my father (and always faithful companion in these situations) and I trudged up to the pharmacy, bought the meds and returned home.

This is where we run into medication problems number one and two. One- the first medication seems to have the strength of wishful thinking, and two- the second medication needs to be taken after food. Which wouldn’t have been a problem had I not thrown up my rice cake with peanut butter, handful of chips and pain reliever 15 minutes or so after it all went down. Which leads to another two problems. One- new symptom, and two- I won’t be able to eat peanut butter (one of my all time favorite foods) for at least a year. This is serious. I still can’t eat hard-boiled eggs following an unpleasant bonfire incident that occurred almost four years ago. Peanut butter makes up at least a quarter of my diet. It’s got everything a person could want (besides maybe allergens) - protein, sugar and chunky/ creamy peanut goodness depending on your personal taste.

But back to the more immediate problem. I did not have any viable sources of pain relief. This does not make me a happy (or very likable) person. So my trusty assistant called back Maccabi (the health clinic) and made an appointment with the nurse who would hopefully then let me see another doctor. Luckily the nurse was sufficiently impressed with my tale of woe, or maybe it was the moaning, and made me an appointment for a (thankfully) different doctor later that afternoon.

The new doctor did some slightly more thorough tests of her own, listened to my medication problems, and gave me a prescription for an anti-nausea medication and a prescription for a pain reliever that does not have to be taken anywhere in the vicinity of food. She also gave me a referral for an eye doctor. I’m ending up with quite a goody bag here. Get a referral for every prescription you fill - what a promotion! I’d rather get a free cinnamon bun, but that’s just me.

Well, it was time to test out the meds. After throwing up my spaghetti and tomato sauce dinner I decided that the anti-nausea medication didn’t help and I couldn’t be sure about the other stuff because it never even had a chance. My problems had now expanded. My head was killing me, nothing was staying down including the anti-nausea meds and even water was making me nauseous. I did the only thing I could- I went to bed.